...so if you don't wanna read it, don't say I didn't warn you. I've been surprised in the past by how many people feel uncomfortable when nursing is discussed so I thought I'd make my intentions clear up front.
I have come close to quitting nursing several times over the last 3 months of Sadie's life, but never so close as the last few days. When I was pregnant, I was pounded over the head with the philosophy that "breastfeeding is better" and "if you don't breastfeed you're a bad mom". I thought "Of course I'm going to breastfeed! It's good for the baby and it's free!" Win-win, right?? It was an easy decision for me to make and I wasn't sure why doctors, nurses, books, magazine and internet articles, and random people from church or work or wherever made such a big deal out of stressing the importance of feeding your baby naturally. So when Sadie was born I felt blindsided by how difficult this "natural" way to feed was. She didn't want to latch, she didn't suck very hard, she wasn't gaining enough weight, and I had to start giving her formula so she would be healthy. I don't think anyone would say there was anything wrong with supplementing with formula (even though one pediatrician I went to asked me rather accusingly why wasn't my baby being exclusively breast-fed). Just when things were getting really hard, Sadie and I fell into a groove and figured out how to breastfeed normally. She still got some formula when I thought she was still hungry, but in general she was eating really well. We continued this way for about 2 months, until about 2 weeks ago when we went to Utah for a visit. I don't know why, but the first time I tried to feed her after we arrived at Chris's family's house, all of Sadie's good habits fell apart. She laid in my lap and screamed and arched her back and simply refused to try and eat from me. I was bewildered and frustrated and angry because I thought we had worked out our eating problems, and now, all of a sudden, my baby couldn't breastfeed. The next few days were extremely difficult; I cried a lot, and gave lots of bottles, and continued trying to feed my baby naturally. We're back in Colorado now but the last week and a half has been really hard. Sadie has not relearned yet how to eat.
I know it's irrational thinking, but when Sadie refuses to nurse I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of shame. Why can't I feed my baby? What's so wrong with me and my milk that my child won't eat? Chris has been so lovingly supportive and is my voice of reason reminding me that it's not my fault and that I am a good mom. But it's incredibly frustrating and I haven't figured out how to fix things. I haven't given up trying yet but if things don't get better soon I may resort exclusively to using bottles and formula. I don't know why this "natural" way of feeding my baby is so unbelievably difficult. I guess now I know why they pound it into your head that in order to be a good mom, you HAVE to breastfeed. If not for the excessive amount of guilt I feel when I consider giving up on nursing, I would have stopped trying long ago. And I suspect the same is true for countless other moms who haven't been blessed with a baby who just figures it out on day 1.
So here's to patience, perseverance, and never-ending love for my little stinker. Hopefully we'll figure it out once again.
I know I haven't blogged in a long time. I didn't have internet access for about 6 weeks, and now so much has happened that I'm a little apprehensive about writing it all down. Plus I haven't gotten my pictures onto the computer yet from my camera. So my friend Alexandra did a post reviewing her life in 2011 and it inspired me to do my own review.
